A Look Inside the Mind of Draco Malfoy
by PurePeace
Summary: A companion piece to 'Always and Forever' - does exactly what it says in the title. This piece provides a look into the mental processes of Draco as he deals with life after the war - life with a surprising person in it.
1. Chapter 4b

**ATTENTION**: IF YOU HAVE NOT READ _Always and Forever _YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND THIS FIC. If you're so inclined, go and do so now. If you are already familiar with the fic… then welcome, and read on.

**AN: **Ok, first of all I would like to say, I have NO IDEA how this is going to work. I didn't think it through _at all _before I promised it to you guys, but I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. Wish me luck.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter or any affiliated stuff. The only thing I have mild control over here is the inner workings of Draco's mind – not even the quoted letter is mine. That masterpiece belongs to catrites, and can be found in its entirety at our joint fanfiction, _Always and Forever_.

Oh – and this is a response to Chapter 4.

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><p>Draco glances up, unconcerned, as the quickly-becoming-familiar owl flies through the open window, depositing one letter before him, and another beside the plate of his mother. It flies off again without waiting for a response; they would be a while in coming, and Potter knows that the Malfoy's owls will be sure to deliver.<p>

The blonde glances suspiciously at the parchment that isn't intended for him, but curbs his curiosity with a sigh. Throwing down the last of his morning coffee, he takes his own letter and heads off to a private part of the house – not his study, but his bedroom. Things feel more… _personal_ there.

When he is settled in a wingback chair by the dreary, rain-spattered window, Draco takes a moment to examine the letter, running long fingers over his own name written in that ungodly scrawl. It's not a sight he would ever have expected to see, and it still surprises him.

Draco cuts open the seal, using a small knife kept on a table close by for that specific purpose. Taking a deep breath, he steels his Malfoy composure, tries to slow his heartbeat, and opens the letter…

His eyes scan the letter, skim the first few paragraphs – and then he stops. Potter seems… well, pissed off. He has succeeded in angering the great Harry Potter – and it's not a good feeling. His heart sits, heavy, in his chest; his shoulders are tense – with what, is that guilt? Ridiculous. And yet…

Draco kind of _respects _Potter. It kills him to admit it, but he feels little besides admiration for this boy, this man. Because he is all that Draco can never be – he is _good_. Curse the universe for making it so, but the anger, disgust and disappointment of one you respect will always cut you down.

_Buck up_, he tells himself. _You are Draco Malfoy, the Slytherin fucking Prince. You do not give this boy an inch._

But as he turns his eyes once more to the beginning of the letter, Draco knows something has changed. The optimism has gone.

_If you really want your wand to sit and rot in a museum…_

He feels a shudder go through him. Sit and _rot?_ No, he couldn't do that. He doubts any wizard could physically allow that to happen. _Rot_… It's a horrid thought, all that magic wasting away, the wand slowly _dying_ as it rests, unable to be of any use, abandoned by its wizard…

Perhaps Potter is right. He shall keep the blackwood wand – after all, it has done so much, it hardly deserves such a fate. Yes, that is best. Draco will look after it better than some ridiculous fan.

But then… oooh no, Potter is _not _going there. His mother? The Gryffindor _idiot_ is seriously questioning if he cares for his mother? He wouldn't know a damn thing about parent-child relationships – and the Malfoy's have never been your average family. Trying to _give him advice_, no, that was just crossing a line.

He pulls the nearby table closer, mind finding the right words even as his fingers cut a new quill and prepare the parchment and ink. He scrawls out one hasty, angry paragraph while the emotion is fresh. Usually this is the top of his list of Things Draco Malfoy Doesn't Do (Especially When Potter Is Involved), but anger… while it hasn't served him particularly well in the past, it is the least dangerous emotion to reveal.

He reads over the lines, and his resolve softens. He allows some concessions to flow onto the page. There; enough. He moves on.

_Somehow I expected that you would have read it, if just for the Potter-bashing they did for so many years._

Now Potter is putting words in his mouth, insulting himself on Draco's behalf, and this is easy, he knows how to react to this one. Because no one assumes they know how Draco thinks! He is an enigma, dammit!

But then he's seeing throughDraco's mask, and the Slytherin is back to panic in a second, because that is _just not ok_. Because it makes him vulnerable – Draco has always been taught that feelings are weak. And when Potter says "_You act … as though you're cruel and heartless, but you're not, are you_." it _hurts_, because it's like he's pierced Draco's soul. Someone has actually seen his heart, and it's kind of killing him. He just isn't used to this.

_I don't think you would have ever seriously hurt me intentionally—_

Draco _tried_, Merlin how he tried, but he couldn't, he always failed. He rarely even felt malice toward the hero, let alone succeeded in hurting him. And Potter knows that. When the hell did he become so perceptive? And when did Draco start giving so much away?

_— __and I don't think that you even want to see me hurt anymore._

He refuses to analyse the truth, and consequences, of that half-sentence. His eyes read on…

_I don't think you're the kind of person who could actually intentionally hurt someone else._

And Draco's mind, and heart, stall for a moment. Because he's reminded that he and Potter haven't spent _every _year together, arguing happily at Hogwarts. He's reminded of last year. If the oh so honourable Gryffindor had seen Draco then, he _would _be worried about giving him ideas, and he never would have testified at his trial. Let's just say, even the littlest Death Eater is still a Death Eater. Almost worse than having someone you respect criticise you, is having that same someone think well of you because they believe a lie.

_Which leads me to think of our 6th year at Hogwarts._

Draco feels himself tense… Surely Potter is about to bring up the events of the Astronomy Tower, and he doesn't think he can handle that. The failed assassination attempt was not his finest hour; he still gets muscle spasms from the 'lesson' Voldemort taught him later that night.

"_That spell_"? For a moment he's so caught up in the memories that he forgets the other… chaotic event of his 6th year.

But then Potter _apologises_, and his heart gives another painful ache, as his hand comes up to finger the scar beneath his shirt… He- Potter is apologising for almost killing Draco, on the night Draco would have killed himself? Harry Potter, who lives to make the world a better place, apologising for injuring a Death Eater? He just- he can't. He shakes his head, and moves on.

_That doesn't mean that I'll always do what they want, or that they'll always do what I want._

Draco thinks of his father –his actions, his disappointment in Draco – of his mother's attempts to protect him… How true that statement is.

_The moment Voldemort decided to use you to try to kill Dumbledore you became tangled up in all of this._

He's glad there is someone who doesn't think it is his fault, doesn't think he's just evil and couldn't wait to be a Death Eater and torture, maim and kill. But Draco is surprised that it would be Potter, of everyone. Potter always held the most unreasonable grudge… Ok, so perhaps it had been completely warranted, but all the same – reason and insight was not something Draco had come to expect.

_I'm not sure I do know what we are to each other, anymore._

That _is_ the million-galleon question, and one he doesn't feel ready to answer, or acknowledge. Draco skips over that too.

Then, the ending. And Draco just doesn't know what to think – this letter has sent his emotions and thoughts in so many directions, crumpled so much of his control, and this last statement has completely thrown him.

_Much love…  
>Always and Forever,<br>Harry Potter_

Draco drops the letter to the table, and busies himself cutting new nibs. He needs to think.


	2. Chapter 8b

**AN: **Hey guys! Sorry this took so long, I had writer's block, and also laziness - tough mix. But here is Draco's reaction to chapter 8 of A&F! Cat and I have already started work on an ACTUAL SCENE for your enjoyment, so hopefully that'll be up sometime after Christmas.

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><p>Potter's letter came early that day; it even beat the morning paper.<p>

Draco was still in bed, though not sleeping, as the owl reached its perch outside the large cathedral-style windows on the opposite wall. It didn't peck at the glass, or do anything to capture Draco's attention, which in fact is what did it. A mail owl _waiting _to be let in was practically unheard of.

Draco stared at it for a while, willing the creature to act naturally, or if it insisted on being strange, to open the window and let itself in so he could stay in bed. Eventually, though, curiosity got the better of him, and the Slytherin reluctantly swung his legs out from between the warm sheets, padding over to the window to receive the letter.

"What does Potter have to say for himself today?" Draco asked the owl.

It stared at him with big round eyes, and let out a little hoot.

_Right. Of course. Politely waiting owl does not equate to owl of human intelligence. Merlin, it's too early for this…_

"Alright, sorry," Draco amended, rolling his eyes. The owl didn't move. "Don't let me keep you." Still nothing. "Look. This is a hefty letter, he can't be expecting a reply so quick as that!" The large eyes didn't even blink. "Shoo!"

It 'shoo-ed', retreating back out the window to sit on the ledge once more, eyes fixed on the ground below, as if it knew the staring made him uncomfortable.

"Blasted beast… been spending too long around idiot Gryffindors, doesn't know what it's doing… Granger probably tried to teach it its rights or something…" Draco grumbled as he headed over to the Reading Chair.

He plonked himself down (Malfoys were allowed to 'plonk' any time before 6am) and took the usual moment to savour his world as is, before Potter predictably turned it upside-down yet again.

Draco grabbed his knife, and sliced open the seal.

_Malfoy,  
>You're right<em>

Well. Draco laughed; that sounded promising.

But then…

_I don't want your gratitude._

It hit him like a slap to the face – something you think he'd be a little more used to receiving, but never from _Potter_. Seconds later he realised he'd been overreacting, but the memory of that shock stayed with him, making him increasingly uncomfortable. Who was Potter to Draco, that his words could cause such a reaction?

Draco could admit that in certain situations, their relationship could be labelled as 'friends', and he had placed stock in Potter's good opinion of him for a while now. Still, the strength of his reaction was unsettling.

In fact, the entire second paragraph made him rather uneasy; sure, he didn't "build up a pedestal" for Potter, but that didn't mean Draco thought of him as anything less than a hero – he was just more subtle about it than the rest. Perhaps he _was_ more aware of the Gryffindor's humanity, but really, how did that detract from his achievements? If anything he was simply more impressive.

_There's nothing that makes me more special than anyone else._

Plus, there was the modesty. Anyone with Potter's track record who pulled the 'I'm just like everybody else' card was infinitely more special than they might otherwise be.

_A loyalty that starts in friendship…_

Loyalty… Was Draco loyal to Potter? No, he wouldn't say that. He did trust him, though. Sure, sometimes the git did _stupid _things, but most of the time it worked out for him. So long as Potter kept on the way he was, Draco would support him – not that the Malfoy name meant anything these days. What about if Potter asked Draco to do something to help? He'd complain, of course, but he'd probably do it. And wasn't that loyalty? A loyalty started in war; or at least, the time after war. A loyalty started in their new world…

Draco shook himself out of such ridiculous thoughts, and returned to the letter.

_Malfoy… I didn't mean to imply anything when I was talking about "fawning."_

Well, for an offhand comment that certainly garnered quite a reaction. Draco wondered for a moment whether it said more about Potter's paranoia, or his own tendency to respond rather colourfully to perceived slights. _The best defence is a good offense, _Draco thought, and cringed.

Wait, "physically ill"? Well that was… Ok, Draco didn't know what to think of that. Suddenly his honour meant something to Potter?

His 'stunt' – it wasn't a stunt, thank you, he was seriously injured – "worked out for everyone"? What on earth had the fool Gryffindor done?

… _you certainly milked it for all it was worth._

Draco was torn for a moment, not sure whether he wanted to laugh at his younger self, or just slap the boy for making such a fool of him. Draco vowed, then, to keep vanity and cowardice out of his children.

_Oh, well excuse me, Mr. Snob…_

Oh dear. Draco had been considering changing his opinion of Potter, but now it seemed he was back to disdain. Alright, and a tiny bit of amusement; for so dangerous a wizard, Potter was almost ridiculously harmless at times.

… _so I don't offend your delicate pureblood sensibilities._

Draco felt his mouth stretch into a grin, while warmth flooded his heart. Merlin forfend, he was actually beginning to _like_ the idiot. His lunacy was, on the whole… endearing. Being a Slytherin, Draco had never had any trusted acquaintances – friends – who would engage in harmless and somewhat pathetic teasing. It was a new experience, and Draco decided it was one he liked.

The entire 'manwhore' paragraph had him in near hysterics, with the line "I will continue to use the term 'date' now" convincing him that Potter was every bit the prat _he_ was, and they would probably be horrible influences on one another.

…_it's a good sneer._

Draco felt his heart give a little jump at this, which he decidedly ignored, before snorting at his own ridiculous imagination as he realised Potter was simply taking the opportunity to laugh at his expense. Although, 'relationship'…

_You know what you said about me not knowing who I am? You're dead on._

That was interesting… Potter seemed to be having some kind of identity crisis, and he'd chosen Draco of all people to open up to.

_And that scares me, to be honest._

Ok – so he was opening up a _lot._

_How the hell did you just… nevermind. Not important. Anyway._

Wait. What? How the hell did Draco just _what? _He scowled, not looking forward to the further necessary attempt to pry information from Potter without seeming like he really cared. It did get so tiring.

… _manipulated through trials and tests …_

That was certainly an interesting take on it. Draco remembered Potter more often launching himself into the thick of things, though there was undoubtedly a lot of manipulation behind the scenes, on the side of Dark as well as Light. This _was _the Wizarding World after all.

Then Draco stopped and wondered just why he was mentally debating the accuracy of Potter's wording when there were likely important revelations to come. Perhaps it was in the interests of preserving the world as he knew it for one more precious moment? He mentally shook himself, and read on.

_I'd dated Cho and Ginny because I felt like that was expected of me._

So this was related to dating then? What, he doesn't like nice girls? He doesn't like people who hero worship him? Draco suddenly found himself remembering his own revelation in his last letter. Could it be…?

… _it was always…wrong._

Merlin. Ok. Draco had always made a determined effort _not _to be surprised by anyone's sexual orientation, as he felt it conveyed some kind of disrespect - like they'd gotten it wrong because it didn't fit with his expectations. But Potter… His surprise in this instance was not caused by the Hero's preferred gender, but by Draco's surety that he would end up with the Weaslette. Sure, Potter's report of a breakup had shaken that confidence, but he'd considered them as set in stone as Granger and Weasley, and always thought Harry would find his way back. This was… _news._

_(I hate that everyone in the world has to know my business, by the way)_

Draco was simultaneously stunned and not at all surprised. It was such a Potter thing to do, drop in a casual mention of the unwanted nature of his fame, while telling Draco he's coming out to the world in the bloody paper!

Oh dear Merlin, not only that but Potter is telling everyone this – has told _Draco _this – just one day after his best friends and his ex. He has to be mentally unstable, jumping right into the deep end with something like this. Sure, sexuality isn't a huge deal in their world – but he _is _Harry Potter, possibly everyone expects him to raise a perfect little family to be the symbol of peace. And with the Weasel not speaking to him, and Granger dating the Weasel….

For a moment, Draco is overwhelmed by his sudden rage at that entire family. Isn't Ron idealised as the epitome of loyalty and all that is good in friendship? And the Weaslette, too – somehow her reaction just doesn't sit right with him. He may be a bastard Slytherin with few he could call friends, but he was at least raised to respect the lives of others.

_But yeah, that's why I asked. I've been struggling with my own sexuality, and just wanted to know._

The line was simply so ordinary after everything Draco had read and thought in the last few minutes, that he found himself chuckling, despite the anger. Potter was just a mess of contradictions, with his Gryffindor flair for drama and his honest belief that he was 'normal'. At least he kept Draco on his toes.

_I suppose I'll survive, knowing that you'd never consider 'courting' me…_

Oh Merlin, Draco wasn't sure he was equipped to deal with this. Why had Potter decided to mention this _now? _He was all but pointing himself out as a potential suitor for Draco; was that his intention? Or was it a mistake? Did he even realisehow that sounded? And… was he _disappointed_? Or was Draco simply reading too much into things?

He was right though, Draco _had _never considered courting him, because Potter was _straight_. Except that he wasn't. _Should_ Draco consider it? Did Potter want him to consider it? He _did _fit most of Draco's criteria for a spouse. Sure, he wasn't exactly subservient, but then neither was Draco's mother and he'd be lucky to have a partner who was as invaluable to the family as she; in regards to the criterion Potter was most surprised by, he had definitely displayed himself as able and willing to protect the Malfoy heir; as for Draco's little joke earlier, he'd stopped finding the Gryffindor maddening so much as amusing, and suspected they might make it through roughly seven years intact. As a concept it was certainly... intriguing, even if somewhat unfeasible.

_It would almost be entertaining to watch it crash and burn._

Draco couldn't help but wince at that. So the inevitable failure of their non-existent and never-to-be-existent relationship would serve Potter as entertainment? At least Draco knew where he stood.

… _the Sorting Hat wanted to put me in Slytherin._

Draco was suddenly annoyed with Potter, shifting his world so entirely in the space of a few inches of parchment. The Golden Gay of Gryffindor almost a Slytherin? What was this? Anyway, the Hat was obviously wrong; Potter had been surprising him lately with the occasional show of cunning, but he seemed naturally to be bold as a lion.

_I've never been overly clever. I'm nowhere near as smart as Hermione or you._

He was flattered for a moment that Potter placed his intelligence level up with that of Granger, but then Draco found himself becoming strangely distressed over the modest idiot's underestimation of his own power. Potter had wanted to be an Auror in school, didn't he? What if he succeeded, and some day that doubt led to his death? But then, if defeating Voldemort didn't make him see it, how could one convince Harry Potter of his strength?

… _to be honest, he wasn't so different from me… I could have turned out exactly like him._

"Oh Potter," Draco murmured. "What a strange view you have of the world; how little good you see in yourself, and how much in others."

Draco had known Dumbledore to use tactics such as this – to play on the emotions of his poor, misunderstood enemy. The difference was that Potter actually seemed to believe it. Draco couldn't decide if this was incredibly noble, or incredibly foolish.

_So if you want to label whatever it is we have, you're going to need a different name._

"If you didn't insist on blowing my theories out of the water with every letter, I wouldn't haveto come up with anything new, would I Potter?" he muttered. "This is _your fault_."

_Expecting that 'always and forever' really does mean 'always and forever,'_

Draco snorted. "Smart arse."

… _just not entirely sure what it is we're promising that'll last that long_.

He tipped his head to the side for a moment, considering this. What did they have that could incorporate promises, forever, Drao Malfoy and Harry Potter? Regard, perhaps?

_Harry_

And that was the end for today.

But wait…. No, there was one more line, a hastily scrawled postscript. That was different…

_(PS. You're welcome to use my first name, you know? Just if you want.)_

Oh. Ok. Call Potter by his given name. Potter was actually _suggesting _that Draco call him by his given name.

Feeling like a lunatic, he hesitantly tested the word. "… Harry…"

"Potter. Harry. Potter as Harry"

Draco was _used _to Potter. It encompassed so much – resentment, anger, jealousy, awe, respect, admiration, and now fondness. But Harry? Harry was a foreign name on his lips. Harry was new, and clean; without the tarnish of their past, but without the shine of it also.

But… Harry could be fond, he thought. Harry could be admiration, and a little fear.

Potter and Malfoy could never be friends, but maybe… maybe Harry and Draco could.

_Perhaps_, Draco mused_, perhaps I should make Potter the offer to do the same? After all, I don't think I'd really mind. But…_

Wait, there was something nagging at the back of Draco's mind. Something… He summoned Harry's letters from his bedside drawer. The first letter – nothing. Second; no. Third…

Twice. Potter – Harry – had called him Draco _twice _and he didn't even notice.

_You're not evil, Draco._

Well that didn't mean a lot; it had been one of those serious conversations where calling the other person by their first name made you seem more earnest.

_Yes, Draco, I'm completely interested in you._

As amusing as it was to imagine the same motive in this case, Draco suspected sarcasm was much more likely.

It was mostly a relief that their relationship hadn't reached new depths without his noticing.

Then Draco's musings were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"It's open," he called, and his mother entered, lips pressed into a thin line. In her left hand was a sheet of parchment, similar to the one in his own; in her right hand, the _Daily Prophet_.

Wordlessly, she held the paper out, and he took it, glancing down.

**HARRY POTTER, HARRY POOFTER?**

Draco felt himself freeze, staring at the words for a long moment. He skimmed the article before looking up at his mother.

"Well. It seems the editor of the _Prophet_ has a death wish."

A smile reached Narcissa's mouth, transforming her completely – this woman was cruel, beautiful, and dangerous. She had scented blood.

Still, there was the family's precarious situation to think of. "Draco…"

No appeal could work. She was seething with such fury that her poise was all but undone, and even if the article had been less offensive, no one upset Draco's mother and got away with it.

He stood, towering over her in his rage. "Don't worry," he said, dropping a kiss to her forehead. "I've got this one."

Draco snatched his wand off the table and was gone.

Outside his window, the owl ruffled its feathers in what looked strangely like a shrug, before abandoning its perch and flying towards London.


	3. Chapter 16b

Hey guys! New reaction piece for you. It may seem a little over-dramatic, but I think when you consider how vulnerable Draco is when it comes to Harry, and also that he's a damaged person who sometimes has very bad days, it's still fairly in-character.  
>I'm not sure as of yet how long until Draco's next letter will be written, so. This may have to tide you over for a little while. Hope you enjoy! – Lexi<p>

**TRIGGER WARNING: **There is some serious self-hatred going on here. If you think that's something likely to be triggering, then tread with care. Remember, these aren't vital in understanding the fic, so don't push yourself.

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><p>The knock comes while Draco is organising yet more of the family's business. It's taking an unsurprising, but tiring, amount of work to pull his backing from those enterprises his father had deemed worthy. But it needs to be done. More than that, it's what Draco <em>wants<em>, and it's not often that the two coincide. When they do, well… Nothing can stop him, especially not fatigue.

It seems, however, that a familiar owl can lure Draco away for a while at least. He crosses to the window in quick, long strides, eager to have the new missive in his hands. It's been too long. (And Merlin, he's getting very dependent, but for Salazar's sake, this is _Harry_, so what does that matter?) He carefully unties the letters, calling for a house elf to bring the bird some food – but it's already flying away.

Draco blinks after the owl, surprised, but Harry's letter lies heavy in his hands; he pulls himself away from the window, dispatches the fumbling house elf to deliver his mother's correspondence, and heads for his room.

When Draco arrives there the seal is already broken, sheer force of will keeping him from opening the letter before he's even seated. No moment of hesitancy today.

_Draco,_

_I'm sorry for the delayed reply to your letter. I really honestly had no idea what to say for a long time in reply to it. __I'm sure you had the best intentions, but after getting it I was so..._

So what? Happy? Sad? Angry? Disgusted? Overwhelmed? What?

_… yeah, it doesn't matter._

_Stupid Harry; it matters to me._

_I really am alright, but thanks for your concern._

He's "alright"? He doesn't quite sound it. His sentences seem uncharacteristically short, almost abrupt… But okay, he's allowed to not trust Draco, not feel comfortable opening up to him. Of course, it's never happened before, but there's a first time for everything. There is.

But then – oh; a paragraph about the interview. Draco bites his lip; this is the moment of truth, sink or swim. Is it all in his head or was Harry really admitting to something more?

_You, I'm sure, have realized that I was talking about you at some points during the interview,_

Points. Draco's breath catches. Points being plural. Plural meaning the mention of a "secret friend", _and _something else. Perhaps that person who is becoming so important to him…

_I meant it when I said you were a friend, and someone who I trust and value_

Draco feels hope, warm and light in his chest-

_but maybe I should just focus on that._

And suddenly he's crashing back to the rocks.

Of course Harry should focus on that. Draco is a bad investment. Sure, his heart may currently feel like someone's stabbed a white-hot blade through it, but he can't blame Harry for wanting to stay away from this person who can only make his life harder; he can't blame Harry for knowing he deserves better.

_Why, though, would you feel as though you need to trust my friends' behaviour towards me?_

Well… that's a ridiculous question. Granger and the Weasel are Harry's friends; Draco may not like them, but he should at least be able to trust them not to make Harry's life hell. And sure, maybe it is none of his concern, like Harry said… Except for the part where it _is_. Harry will always be Draco's concern; that's just the way things are now. Harry is his friend, and Draco doesn't let go. Even if Harry were to walk away right now, part of Draco would always be his.

_It's almost too much to hope that I could affect you the way you affect me._

"The way you affect me"… Harry cares for him, he must. Draco hasn't wanted to jump to conclusions, but neither is he stupid. Harry feels something for him beyond mere friendship. But that's not always enough, is it? Draco knows that feelings can't be governed, can't be controlled… He spent a long, long time trying to do just that. Just because you feel something in your heart, it doesn't mean your mind agrees. It doesn't mean you're happy and willing to fall in love with boys – to fall in love with Draco. But if it _were _so unwanted, Harry wouldn't keep bringing it up, would he? Maybe… Maybe Draco is wrong. Maybe _Lucius _was wrong, and it _is _possible for someone to want him after all. Maybe Harry wants him.

The idea leaves Draco feeling giddy, and kind of sick.

_I don't believe Ron feels loyalty towards me in the same way Hermione does._

But then there it is again. Maybe he's paranoid, but Draco can't help but notice Harry subtly distancing himself from him and their blossoming… friendship. But no, he's being ridiculous – of course Hermione is the apt example. The fact is that their relationship _is _only blossoming, it's new, and he hasn't been tried and tested yet. Knowing himself as he does, he probably would have run away during the war, and taken Harry with him; he would have tried to keep them both safe, and damn the Wizarding World. Of course Harry would compare Ron with Hermione.

_She thinks I'm coping 'too well' with everything that's happened this last year._

Draco takes a moment to muse on the concept. War over; Voldemort dead; a Weasley lost, along with so many others; world in disarray; back to the attention of the press; a public outing; a negative reaction from a close friend; suddenly being overprotected by the last two members of the Malfoy family…

Draco groans; he agrees with _Granger_. Shouldn't Harry be more of a wreck right now? Shouldn't he, at the very least, be shouting and railing at the world to stand still for just one fucking minute so he can get his breath back? Draco files the topic away in his extensive mental 'Harry' folder for later discussion.

_I'm probably more honest with you than I am with anyone else._

And that… that shouldn't be as surprising as it is. They've been toeing the line of 'more' for so long now, it shouldn't surprise Draco to know that they've already crossed it. All the same, he ends up sitting for a moment, stunned, before a sense of privilege washes over him. There are parts of Harry that are _his_.

_I scare myself with how honest I am with you. I can't seem to help myself._

At the words, Draco finds himself back flat on the ground, feeling sick to his stomach. How could he ever believe that someone would want him? Or that he would ever find someone who wouldn't fear him, especially after all he's done? Harry may be the saviour, but Draco is still a monster. He's been deluding himself. No one would want Draco Malfoy; coward, traitor, man of ice.

And then Harry is apologising for "overstepping his bounds on the marriage topic", and guilt deadens the squirming of his stomach. What does it matter if Harry wants him or not? Draco knows what he has to do, regardless of _anyone's_ feelings, be they Harry's or his own. Not only that, _Harry _knows it. He knows because Draco told him when he pushed him away, when he said he didn't matter. When Draco told the person he was supposed to trust that his opinion was of no consequence.

_I just forgot that although I've given you free reign to give me your opinions and advice on things, it's not my place to do the same for you._

If that wasn't a well-deserved slap to the face, then Draco doesn't know what is. He's bad at friendship; it doesn't come naturally to him. He's a coward, he pushes people away…

Draco drags parchment and quill towards himself from where they have been sitting in wait for several days. He uncorks a bottle of ink, and begins to write.

_It's...actually quite upsetting to me how many of my personal behaviours you attribute to some persona, some ideal;_

Draco can understand that. People attribute much of his personal behaviour to his house, or his blood – his birth right. It gets tiring. Maybe he did push Harry a bit too far, but…

_When I say I wouldn't allow anyone to direct slurs towards you, it's because I, as a person, like you, as a person, well enough to be upset by someone insulting you._

Really, how likely was that, from Draco's experience? He had been a little obtuse, but the alternative was… Not quite unthinkable, but so unlikely as to make him feel ridiculous at the mere idea of believing it.

_My Muggle relations...are not something I'd like to get into right now._

_..._

_I really just don't feel like confiding in you._

The words hit Draco like a physical blow, and he recoils back into his seat. This is not like Harry at all. Draco isn't imagining the blunt sentences, the dismissal in his words. Draco knows he pushed, that maybe he hurt Harry, but did he really do so much damage?

Would Harry be better off if Draco just walked out of his life right now? Or rather, disappeared quietly… He's not even really _in_ Harry's life. He would notice if the letters stopped, of course, but what if Draco hurt him, chased him away for good?

No. He can't do that. He can't cause Harry more pain, not with the way he feels about him – feelings which are powerful, all-encompassing, and too terrifying to name. Besides… Harry did say "I will tell you, one day". So maybe there's hope.

He reads on.

_It's my...desire, I guess, to make sure that no child feels like they are so alone in this world that they need to be feared to be respected._

Draco smiles, even as he thinks back to that small blonde boy he used to be; the one who, after being rejected by the boy with big hair and a cute smile, roped Vince and Greg to himself even more tightly than before. The boy who thought, _'If he won't be my friend, at least he will fear me.'_

_With the utmost trust and respect and admiration, no matter the tone of the letter,  
>Always and forever,<br>Harry_

Draco thinks about that for a while.

Reading Harry's letter was… hell, to put it mildly. There was so much there that left him scared (though not running); both Harry's words, and his own feelings. But he's certain, now, that neither can walk away from the other. And that's something.


End file.
